You Are the Boss of Your Body: 3 Ways to Teach Our Children About Body Boundaries and Respect
One of the most important things we can teach our children is that they are in charge of their bodies. Children should learn early on what body boundaries are and how to have respect for their body and someone else’s.
I am certainly an advocate for having talks about body boundaries and letting our children know that they are in charge. This is crucial.
But it wasn’t until I began researching Peaceful Parenting and Respectful Parenting that I began to realize that some of the ways many well-intentioned parents interact with their children teaches them the exact opposite.
Let’s explore and reframe how we handle the way we physically interact with our children. These simple changes will help your child:
Develop Their Understanding of Body Boundaries and Respect
Develop Their Voice
1.) Respect for Your Child’s Body
As parents, we have the tendency to hurry or even abruptly take care of our child’s physical needs. There is a lot to do in a day as a parent! We wipe their noses a bit harshly, put their t-shirt on in a frenzy or change a diaper while restraining little legs in an effort to get these things done, off the to-do list.
We’ve all been guilty of this. As the mother of two very wiggly boys, believe me, I’ve been there!
As our child’s caregiver, we must understand that every time we perform a caregiving task, we are communicating with our child about their body and the respect we have for it.
Peaceful Parenting teaches us to take our time with these moments and to gently and RESPECTFULLY attend to these tasks. It is a good idea to keep a couple things in mind:
1.) Communication is crucial
Before wiping a nose, changing a diaper, putting on clothes, etc. tell your child what you are going to do. “Hey kiddo, I am going to wipe your nose gently now.”
Can you imagine being caught off guard with someone wiping your nose? Wouldn’t that feel disrespectful? Weird, even?!
The general rule of thumb is this: if you wouldn’t approach an adult that way, don’t approach a child that way.
Yet, children need our help with daily tasks. So, another helpful hint is to think of your child as an elderly person that you are taking care of: with gentleness and respect.
Maintain communication throughout the task. “I am putting on your socks.” “Now I’m going to put your shoes on.”
Children like to know what is going on, just how we like to know. This is especially true when it is happening to their body.
By keeping your child “in the know”, you are modeling respect for their body and teaching your child that they deserve this respect.
2.) See these tasks as an opportunity to connect with your child
Magda Gerber, the creator of RIE Parenting, stresses the importance of communicating with your child in the very beginning of their life. In infancy, she suggests talking to your child whenever you are doing a caretaking task. Diaper changing, clothes changing, bathing, etc. (as mentioned above).
“Diapering is very important. Diapering is sometimes viewed as an unpleasant chore… a time separate from play and learning. But in the process of diapering we should remember that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are intimately together with the child. While being diapered, the baby is close to the parent and can see her face, feel her touch, hear her voice, observe her gestures, and learn to anticipate and know her.
-Magda Gerber”
These caregiving tasks can seem mundane or even overwhelming at times, but if we shift our mindset to see them as opportunities to connect with our child, we begin to understand the value of these moments.
By demonstrating calm, respectful connections, we begin to look forward to these tasks and the bond that can be developed through them.
2.) Let Your Child Make Decisions About Their Body
How many times have we heard a parent say, “Go hug Aunt Rita.”
Hugs should NOT be forced. Forcing children to share an intimate touch like a hug is showing our children that they have to comply even when uncomfortable.
There is something called a “Hug Spectrum.” Some people are big huggers, some people aren’t. Even in adulthood. Sometimes, we can move across the spectrum with certain people or certain environments.
Children are also on this spectrum and we should respect their feelings. Some children love to hug. Some do not. That is completely okay! Simply follow your child’s lead but do not pressure them to hug someone.
Asking your child (privately, as to not put them on the spot) whether they want to hug Aunt Rita is the best way to give them the choice and develop their voice.
If you know someone is going to want a hug from your child and you’re not sure if your child wants a hug from them, I suggest asking your child ahead of time if they want to hug that person too, perhaps while you’re putting on their shoes or jacket.
If they say yes, great! If they say no, great!
If an adult goes in for a hug or says, “Give me a hug,” STEP IN! Aunt Rita’s feelings are not more important than your child’s!
Simply say, “Honey, if you’d like to give Aunt Rita a hug now, you can. And if you’d rather not, that is okay, too. Sometimes we like to hug and sometimes we don’t like to. Aunt Rita understands this.”
If Aunt Rita doesn’t get the hint or doesn’t understand, simply reach out to her afterwards and let her know what you’re trying to accomplish.
In the car, let your child know that they alone decide who they hug, kiss, etc. No one makes that decision for them.
This is a much better conversation than being in the car after a forced and uncomfortable hug trying to pick up the pieces after your child has felt this way.
Hugs and kisses should always feel good, not bad. This goes across the board: for hugs, kisses, high fives, etc.
3.) Let’s Talk About Tickling
Growing up, I remember being tickled by my older cousins as a means to tease me. And I remember hiding underneath the pool table trying to get away from them. Were they trying to make me uncomfortable? No, they were simply teasing me. Were they trying to make me feel bad? No.
As a young child, I didn’t feel in control of my own body and I remember thinking that I needed to escape and hide in order for them to stop.
Tickling can be such a GREAT interaction with our children. But ONLY when it is invited by your child and they feel in control of their body.
The reaction to tickling is usually laughter. Oftentimes, we see this laughter as a sign that the person being tickled is enjoying themselves. But sometimes our kids are not enjoying themselves and this is masked by their giggles.
As parents (and grandparents, aunts, uncles, babysitters, etc) we need to make sure that we are in tune with the child’s feelings and accurately reading their cues. (Hint: share this post so they can see this too!)
If your child asks to be tickled, then go ahead! But check in with them to see if they want you to stop. “Honey, are you having fun? Do you want me to keep tickling you for a bit?” Or, if you want to tickle your child, simply ask them! “Honey, would you like me to tickle you?” And act according to their answer.
If your child ever asks you to stop doing something to their body, whether it be tickling, kissing, hugging, do stop.
Another great tip is to ask your child to tickle YOU. Then you ask them to stop and they learn to do so. Modeling that respect and boundaries should be reciprocated is important.
This approach should be used with roughhousing, too. We are BIG fans of roughhousing in our home :)
These simple approaches will help your child develop a sense of respect for their bodies, the bodies of others AND let them know that it is okay to be vocal about anything that makes them uncomfortable. Recognizing that your child may have different reactions to different people on different days is also important.
Utilizing these approaches and having conversations about body boundaries and respect will help your child develop an acute understanding that THEY ARE THE BOSS OF THEIR BODY.