Like many moms, whining used to be one of my triggers. Even if it didn’t make me snap all the time, I oftentimes would find myself annoyed or frustrated with my eldest if he was whining.  

My internal voice would say: “How can he be whining about not wearing his monster truck shirt? He has a ton of other shirts.” Or, “Oh my gosh, someone needs a nap. You’re a monster right now.” Outwardly, I would tense up and say in a scolding voice, “STOP WHINING.” 

It’s a phrase many parents have used…myself included.  

The fact is, kids whine. The other fact is, many moms are triggered by it (Dad's too).

The problem with triggers are that they often cause an immediate, mindless reaction. We scold, we give the “mom look,” we tell them to knock it off.

However, these reactions don’t work. Our child doesn’t feel good after these types of reactions and neither do we.

Thankfully, I have discovered Peaceful Parenting and its approach to whining. Mama, it’s a game changer.

Has my child’s whining completely stopped? No. 

But, I am less triggered by it, my child’s whining is less frequent and my child is getting better at communicating his needs. His whining quickly transitions to a respectful tone.

In a nutshell, Peaceful Parenting asks that we RESPOND rather than REACT to whining. That we USE whining to help our children grown and develop. 

Whining is…dare I say it…a gift? Too soon? 

Well, after reading through this, I might just change your mind!

6 Steps to Handle Whining Peacefully:

1.)    Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself! 

Before you respond, take a couple of moments…just two seconds to take a breath and make sure you’re responding calmly. Remember that most situations are not an emergency. Taking a few seconds to center yourself is crucial when dealing with whining and tantrums.

You want to approach the situation calmly. Children often mirror our emotions, if you respond calmly, they are more likely to calm down as well.

You want to be your child’s leader. Lead by example. How would a good leader respond to a chaotic moment? Calmly. Look at your child with soft eyes and use a calm voice. Also, get down to their level.

2.)    Recognize That Whining IS Communicating!

Our children use whining to communicate. They are literally letting us know that something is bothering them. Although they might not be able to communicate every aspect of what is bothering them and how, they are trying to!

Unfortunately, many of us have been made to believe that whining should be ignored or even punished.

Guess what? As adults, we whine too!

Can you imagine if you went to your partner and told them that you were having a bad day and proceeded to “whine” and they told you that they weren’t going to listen to you until you stopped whining. Or, if you called up your sister to complain about a bad haircut and she replied, “Stop Whining!” 

Ouch. 

Surely, they would listen. And surely you would listen to them. 

For some reason, we give babies and adults freedom to whine, but we believe that young children and toddlers should NEVER whine.  

How silly! Begin seeing your child’s whining as an effort to communicate.

3.)    Honor Their Voice

Children need to know that they are being heard. When my son would whine about not getting to wear his monster truck shirt everyday, I originally saw this as such a “silly” thing to whine about. He has tons of other shirts. 

Peaceful Parenting asks us to honor what our children are saying.  

Certainly whining can be due to hunger, lack of sleep, overstimulation, etc. In fact, these are our children’s TRIGGERS for whining.

Ultimately, a child whines because they want to be heard. They want you to know that they are struggling. They want you to know that they need SOMETHING. They are coming to YOU because they feel you can help them! They wouldn’t whine to a stranger. 

Instead of shutting down the whining as we ALL have a tendency to want to do, face it head on and use it as a way to help your child develop their voice. See whining as an opportunity!

4.)    Help Your Child Name Their Feelings

Say what you see. Name the emotion.

Tell your child, “I see that you are upset.” “You seem sad.” By acknowledging their feelings, you immediately place yourself on “their side.” This alone can be extremely disarming. This also helps your child develop an understanding of their emotions. 

If your child is at a point where they are really struggling, avoid the temptation to tell them that you will listen to them when they’re done whining. Instead, offer your support now.

Tell them, “I see you’re having a hard time. I want to help you through this.” “When you are ready, I will be here to help you.” “Let’s figure this out together.”

5.)    Name The Problem

Once you identify your child’s emotion, ask them what is CAUSING that emotion. “What is making you feel that way?” They may tell you exactly what the problem is (or you may know it already): “I want to wear the monster truck shirt.” Or, you may have to help them figure it out. “Are you angry because your brother took your toy?”

Sometimes your child might be whining because of THEIR triggers and there really is no “problem.” They are tired, hungry, etc. If you suspect this to be the case, don’t focus on it and resist the urge to tell your child that they are tired, hungry, etc.

Get down to their level and let them know that you see they are upset. Let them know that you get upset too. Give them a squeeze. Then, if you know what they need (a nap, a snack) gently move toward getting that resolved for them. Tell them, "Sometimes when I feel upset, I just need a snack to feel better. Would you like to have a snack with me to see if that helps?"

 

6.)    Work Together To Solve The Problem

Tell your child that you want to work together to help them. Here you get to be creative and find ways to “fix” the problem. In the case of the monster truck shirt, I could have offered to go look for the shirt and have my child help me put it in the washing machine. 

Sometimes there is a simple solution. Know that it is okay to honor your child’s desires. If your child wants coconut water and you just gave them water, give them the coconut water! This is not a big deal. This is not “giving in."

You are simply honoring their preferences, as you would anyone else in your life. For example, my husband has a fork that he prefers. When he asks me to give him that one instead, I do. When I ask my husband to grab a towel out of the dryer, he knows that I prefer this one specific towel. Our children are little human beings with preferences too!

Tell your child, “Oh, you want the coconut water. How about I drink your regular water and I’ll give you a glass of coconut water. Next time I’ll ask you which one you prefer so you can tell me your choice. Would that help?”

Sometimes, the problem cannot be SOLVED.

Your child is whining because they want another piece of cake. Obviously, you can’t “fix” this for them as you don’t want them to have another piece of cake. 

In this case, I have adopted Dr. Laura Markham’s approach for engaging in fantasy. Ask your child, “More cake? Wouldn’t you like to eat all the cake in the world? Would you eat every kind? Chocolate, vanilla? How much cake would a Tyrannosaurus eat?”

Be playful with this. This works a lot in my house, as kids love to engage in this type of thought and it can oftentimes bring them out of their “funk.” 

These strategies have helped me completely change my view on whining. Instead of being triggered, I see it as an opportunity to show my child how to work through their emotions. 

The results have been nothing short of amazing.

My husband dealt with a recent whining situation in a store like a peaceful Dad Boss and came home feeling so much better as to how he RESPONDED and how our son RESPONDED.

Try it.

Let me know how it changes things in your home :)

Is whining a trigger for you? How do you handle whining?